I sink into the bubbles, cradled in hot water. The lavender tea candle burns slowly atop the bath, the object on which I’ve fixed my stare. I’m everywhere and no where at the same time.
The sound emanating from my small speaker on the floor melds into my body and we become one with the water.The music playing is a blur. My blank concentration always fades right at the same time in the song- almost instinctively, I cry out loud with The Background,
“And I would never lie to you, no. I would never lie to you, no.”
I am awakened back to consciousness with a lump in my throat. My eyes water as if I’m choking. The blurriness comes into focus, and every word is a new object of my fixed concentration. It plays over and over. I feel the words for hours.
Some days, I watch TV instead. The warm and fuzzy bath double teams with the theme song. I sink into the bubbles, cradled in hot water. My mind is blank and I absorb the welcoming piano, leaning my head back and forth to the music,
“You want to be where everybody knows your name.”
The same lump in my throat appears. I close my eyes, battling the choking feeling. I transport myself into Cheers, where I walk in and sit at a table to the right of the bar. I sit there for hours, people watching in my bathtub.
I want to write and fill up pages with ideas. But in front of the empty lines, my pen shies away. Today, I went to a psychologist. I didn’t really know what I’d say to her, or how in depth we’d get. Maybe she’d find my misdirected concern and agony shallow and trivial. We started simple. I told her about my job. I told her the trouble I’d been having at work- the unannounced and irreversible crying spells, the days I laid in bed with no will to move. I briefly mentioned my crumbling social life, which I thought contributed most to my deteriorating state. She asked about my adolescence, 12 to 18 years old. The important thing about my adolescence is that I have a sister. I described myself to her: My sister and I both did very good in school. We were very involved in clubs and honor societies. I played soccer, I had a couple jobs- one at a pizza store, and one at a gym teaching swimming lessons and soccer. I was very active. I always had more friends than my sister. I was just really involved and outgoing. her preliminary advice to me is to take care of myself physically- eat better, have a routine with priorities.
She said I am trying to find my independence.
I’ve always been independent. I’ve lived alone, more than once, in more than one place. I’ve always had someone to look after me or some group to belong to. To be independent means taking care of myself without concerning anyone. [to be filled in later] I’ve become exhausted.
Who do you talk to when you have nothing to say? Who listens when you have a million things on your mind? How do you describe the things which stimulate your mind when there are no particular thoughts or conclusions in outcome.
The things I see elude any words, just alter the way I approach my thinking. There’s a saying that people will forget what you say, they will forget what you do… but they will never forget how you make them feel. Lately, my experiences, though rich in detail, are becoming memorable by how they are altering my feelings towards humanity and the world.
How do you prioritize yourself when everything around you saturates your thoughts?
Songs on repeat: Third Eye Blind, self titled album; King of Pain- The Police; Dancing on my Own- Kings of Leon covering Robyn; Someday- Steve Earle; Pharrell- Despicable Me
Television: Cheer’s; BBC News
Books: The Crisis of Islamic Civilization